Forgive to be forgiven

I have been through quite the ordeal over the last few weeks that has changed my perspective on so many things when it comes to living and dealing with others. Although I don’t intend to detail what has happened, I do hope that sharing my feelings about the situation may help free someone from the burden of pain and grudges.

Someone I cared deeply for hurt me tremendously. How many times have we been able to say that? That we’ve encountered a situation so nightmare-ish that it made us question our will to live? It felt like since this person I trust to protect me and love me betrayed me then there’s no hope of ever trusting or loving again- which gave me nothing to live for. In addition to this, I spent the better part of 22 hours a day replaying the betrayal in my head. My goodness! What torture!

My first response was to run. I figured if I ran to somewhere where no one knew my name and I could start over then I could do better with someone else. However, all relationships have their issues. If it’s not one thing it’ll be another and I’ll spend the rest of my life running constantly instead of facing the problem and trying to find a solution. So, I stayed put.

Next, I had to work on my mental state. The betrayal from my loved one made me automatically take the blame even though I had nothing to do with the decisions he made. I knew that I contributed to his actions in some way even though the excuses I came up with weren’t rational. After hearing it from him directly and several others, I finally realized that I did my best in my relationship and didn’t deserve what was happening to me. That brought my self-esteem back to livable standards.

Now, the torture. My goodness I am so good at torturing myself. I truly wish there were medals out there for how often a person can beat themselves up! I replayed the betrayal in my mind endlessly, examining every should’ve, could’ve, would’ve in the situation. It took me weeks of this mental and emotional abuse to realize that there was no physical possible way that the events that had passed could be altered. I was obsessing over the situation for nothing. It was literally out of my control, but considering how I could’ve changed everything made me into a lunatic. I’m too pretty to be a lunatic. And definitely too pregnant. People keep warning me that my son is feeling everything I’m feeling. Although I couldn’t help it most times, I did become more conscious about my obsessing. So for my mental state, and the mental health of my son, I was final able to let the events of the past go.

And now… the offender. Now that I’ve finally gotten out of my mind about the situation, I was well enough to acknowledge the offender. Someone who I loved with my soul. What is awful is the cup we pour ourselves into without measure is usually the one with a hole in it. This cup I had was completely cracked and everything in me was staining the table and leaking to the ground. Every time I acknowledged him, I felt like I had nothing left. If I can’t love again then I don’t want to live. I knew this would scar me from ever loving again. But, I was far from running away. I wanted to understand why, first.

I asked questions. Some I didn’t want the answer to. When I realized I was regressing into self-torture, I found a different method to understand what was happening. What I discovered was monumental.

First, all human beings are weak. I’m Christian, so it’s described as sin. However, everyone has a weakness and the object of a relationship is to love that person despite their weaknesses. If you truly love someone, you attempt to get them help which is why things like interventions exist. It’s to show the person that you love that despite their flaws and ugliness, you can still find the beauty in them. People are like roses (cliche, I know). We admire their beauty from afar, but once we get close, the thorns pierce into flesh, sometimes leaving a scar. Even then, you still see the beauty in that rose and still want to keep it close. That is how I’ve looked at my relationship with this man- a rose filled with thorns.

Second, once a deed is done, there is no use in asking questions. None of the questions will change what transpired. Once you come to terms with that, you can easily move on.

Third, just because someone has you, doesn’t mean that they understand what you are worth. You could give that person the world, but if they don’t know how to love you the way you are to be loved, then you will never be truly fulfilled. At this point, it is a matter of understanding if the relationship was fulfilling in the first place and if you were being loved the way you deserve. That’s when I started to make my way towards the F word…. Forgiveness.

I forgive him. Because he is human with flaws and holding him to any other standard would be illogical and unfair.

I forgive him because it was easier than obsessing over the situation. I’m finding that I think about it less and less and I can start focusing on other things. So nice to have my life back!

I forgive him because I know that there is a certain level of love that I deserve that he is just not capable of giving me. Not his fault at all! He just wasn’t built to love me the way I wanted to be loved.

I forgive him because I know now that I was not the cause of his actions, which makes it easier for me to let it go. Nothing I could’ve done to change it so I shouldn’t have to share in the guilt.

I forgive him to forgive myself. I had to forgive myself for choosing him. For trusting him. For loving so blindly. I didn’t know this would happen. I didn’t know I would be hurt. When the relationship was in motion, it was smooth and we were happy. So technically, for that period of time, my love for him was never a mistake. It was beautiful like lily pads on a lake. I just discovered after diving in that I can’t swim, and the lily pad couldn’t save me. Lesson learned.

I was sure that this situation was the end of my life and my love. I was sure that I was going to beat myself up to the point of suicide. I had to have been responsible somehow. As time went on, and I realize that it was not my fault, it made it easier to let it go. Once I realized that he was a human being with weaknesses, I quit obsessing over being hurt intentionally, which was not the case. I was just the casualty of a flawed personality. Forgiving doesn’t necessarily mean trusting him again. At least, not right away. But it does mean that I’m freeing myself of the mental abuse I endure everyday. It means I’m free of the guilt and I know that I’m better than the treatment I’ve been receiving.

I didn’t intend for this to go on like this, but I truly hope that my experience with the various ordeals in my life will help someone to heal from a past tragedy and let go. One last lesson I also learned is to stop talking about it. Your friends, your family, your kids, your pets, they all know who hurt you and how. Recollecting the situation will only open the gash on your heart that had trouble healing in the first place. Why torture yourself? Stop discussing it and just move on. You’re raising your blood pressure for nothing- it wont change what happened and it won’t change the person when you bring it up constantly. However, you can pray for them and I believe that if someone they love is truly hurt by their actions, and seeing all the suffering around them, they will be more inclined to change. It is just a matter of still loving the rose passed the thorns.